WHY DO HUSBANDS FART AND BREAK WIND?

Ha! Now this is one topic that will make all the women sit up, take notice and scream in unison! For only we women know how it feels to live with the myriad sounds and smells that husbands start ejecting from their assholes once we start living together. And only women can understand the pain and agony their fellow comrades have to go through in life, once they are burdened with husbands and their annoying farting habits!

I am 234% sure that the article I am going to come up with will not go down very well with the masculine sex, especially with the species called ‘husbands’, but my fellow comrades will be hooting and screaming with laughter right from point one!

Farting and Breaking Wind

I chose this as the number one annoying habit of husbands as we have to live with the sound and the stench 24x7 and it drives women crazy! In fact, so pissed off I am with this disgusting habit of men that I have decided to urge Ivy League colleges to introduce a subject called FARTOLOGY to investigate into the origins and preventive cures of breaking wind, in the most appropriate and inappropriate of places.

Instances of Farting That Drive Women Crazy

Just imagine how it feels when you are accompanying your husband to a top notch 5 star restaurant or to an elite social gathering at a plush venue……and suddenly your husband looks this way and that……and farts!

Or may be you are asleep at night and suddenly there is that familiar ‘bombardment’ accompanied by a stench so foul that you toss around at lightning speed, bury your head and nose under the pillow and hold your breath till you are gasping for fresh air! And all this while you are still moderately asleep and depending on your automatic reflexes for reaction.

Or may be you have cozied up to your hubby on the sofa on a frosty Sunday evening with a cuppa cappuccino and together you are deeply engrossed in watching your favorite movie on your plasma screen TV. Suddenly the seat of the sofa vibrates a bit and before you can blink, an overpowering nasty smell makes you jump out of the sofa and scurry out of the room, as fast as your legs can carry you. It’s a mercy that you didn’t puke on the carpet!

How do Men React After Farting?

These are only a few conspicuous instances of the relationship between men/husbands and farting. I have also found men/husbands farting while having their breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper; while sitting on the toilet; while passing urine (which means ejecting various forms of excreta from both ends simultaneously) and farting while having sex! The last one takes the crown I guess!

And the most wonderful part – for which all husbands deserve nothing less than an Oscar – is when, after dropping the bombshells with lots of sound and fury and stench, husbands pretend as if nothing has happened and look very innocently at you with wide eyed surprise!

The whole building may have heard your husband breaking wind, but he will insist he has not farted. And if you – the exasperated wife can argue fruitfully enough to the point that your husband finally confesses to his crime, chances are that he will verbally try to prove that farting is a natural bodily process – a natural part of life!

And that everyone farts! He will even prove that you fart as much as he does, just to save his face! At other times, he will just refuse to accept that he has farted and driven everybody out of the room.

The War and Its Aftermath

I have tried various remedies to make my husband stop farting, such as stuffing my husband up to his neck with green, leafy veggies and fruits to regulate his bowel movement; I also make him consume probiotic fiber capsules and psyllium husk which add roughage to the stool and clean out his system; sometimes I even force him to take laxatives.

And whenever it seems that the methods are working and the end to my agony is in sight, my husband drops another bomb through his asshole, so loudly, that all my sweetly cherished dreams are shattered, making me wake up to the rude reality that I would perhaps have to live with this menace, forever!

Why do Husbands Fart?

This is an extremely pertinent question and GI experts will extract $700 from your pocket as co pay to inform you about the causes of farting (after a super expensive gastroscopy that will cost you an arm and a leg) –

• “Your husband does not pass his stool clearly”.
• “Your husband needs to clean out his system”.
• “Your husband has gastritis and accumulated gas in his rectals. That’s why he farts so much.”
• “Your husband has xxxx number of @#%*&!# bacteria build up in his tummy, hence the farting!”

I am not a doctor and I don’t require the help of fancy tests to figure out why husbands fart so much! They do it, not because it is in their genes, not because it is an illness, not because they haven’t gone to potty. But because they love to annoy us – clear and simple!